A man goes to his physician and is shocked to find that he has been replaced by a super-computer. The computer asks him his ailments and the man says he has a sore elbow. A drawer pops out and he is asked to urinate in it. After a few bleeps and flashing lights the computer decides he has tennis elbow.
The man is annoyed and decides to get one over on this machine so he asks his wife for a urine sample. He then mixes this with urine from his dog and his small son and to top it off, adds some of his sperm. He takes it to the computer-physician who again asks him for a sample. He places the urine/sperm sample in the drawer and the computer makes its usual display of bleeps and flashes before telling him that his wife is pregnant, his dog has rabies, his son has chicken pox and if he doesn't stop masturbating he'll never get rid of his tennis elbow
Super Computer
Spell Checker
I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.
I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
Bright Student
A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
teacher: What are you waiting for?
student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
The Elephant
A: Why are you crying?
B: The elephant is dead.
A: Was he your pet?
B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave
Name
My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"
Family Of Mice
A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."
Feet
Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.
The Perfect Son.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
